There is no good verb for what clergy do in a wedding ceremony.
We don’t “marry” the couple. They marry each other.
“Preside” implies that you are in charge of the wedding. I know that some clergy insist upon this role. They lock themselves into a battle of wills with the bride’s mother, the hotel/restaurant events manager, or the bride herself. Worst case scenario, the photographer wants to preside. In 45 years, I can only remember two weddings in which the groom took charge. Not a good sign, either time. On some simple, lovely occasions, I did “preside.” I would count the one couple who asked if they could be married in our living room with Jacquie as their witness as one of those. But presiding at most weddings means you are in charge of the choreography, the placement of the flowers, rolling out the white carpet, training the ushers, making sure the bridesmaids are zipped. That is beyond my competence.
The verb that works best, I think, is “solemnize.”
It’s harder work than you may think to solemnize a wedding. Weddings are, by definition, joyous. They symbolize peace and love and good will. They should be celebrated with good food and drink and music and dancing — and they usually are, after the ceremony. Weddings lead (snicker) to wedding nights and all that implies. It’s tough to be the one who tamps down that hilarity for an hour.
Yet, I always thought it was necessary. It is necessary for the community, represented by family and friends — or the pastor’s wife, to witness the couple making their solemn vows to each other. It is necessary for the couple to feel the enormity of the promises they are making. (Although only the widowed and the more-than-once divorced ever come close to understanding.)
It is necessary to place this very human and natural event into a larger context. The very fact that this couple has come together and chosen each other is a kind of miracle. Their love and faithfulness to each other, especially over the long haul, will be a sign and symbol of the Love that is at the heart of the universe.
That demands solemnity. It requires seriousness.
But, it can take a toll on the person who has to do the solemnizing.
Do you remember, when you were a little kid and made a face, your mother would tell you to be careful because your face might get stuck in that position?
She was right.
It has taken almost five years for my face to come unstuck. Like a lot of things in this Third Half of Life, I am reassessing what used to seem so important. I am not knocking ritual and tradition. I am not minimizing the enormity of the wedding vows. I am reassessing how and why it seemed so necessary for me to be so serious so often. Maybe it was necessary. Carl Jung believed that the clergy carry a necessary psychic burden within the community that no one else carries. He often treated clergy for free.
But I wonder if it would have helped if I had trusted Life provide the solemnity? After all, every couple faces days ahead where the vows they make on their wedding day will take on real seriousness. They will need to choose to love each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Why not let them have one happy, light-hearted day to love each other and laugh with their friends and bask in their families’ pride?
Days like that are few and short. Why rob them of even one hour?
I have seen clergy, not in my tradition, I’m afraid, who seem to know how to put the joy and the seriousness together. I’m formulating a theory about why that is not common in mainline Protestant churches, but it’s not completely clear, yet.
All I know is that, as a Christian, I’m supposed to look to Jesus as my example. I see him at only one wedding. And for that, he brought the wine.
This is a beautiful post, and I enjoyed it immensely. It’s near and dear to my heart because my baby, my only one!, is getting married in just two weeks. It’s going to be a beautiful union.
Cheers! 😊😊😊
It’s a wonderful time when you see your child getting married. A wedding during these strange times is a sigh of hope. May it all go well.
Roger, I always liked the phrase, “We are gathered here to witness and bless the joining together of this…couple”. I also note the deterioration of the term solemn. We have laden it with serious and mournful tones rather than the meaning of elevation, as in the term “the great solemnities”. I remember a term from my high church days when the principle Eucharist of a Sunday was called “Solemn High Mass”. This spectacle of sights and smells was certainly not somber, but certainly was serious. As an Acolyte I was both terrified and excited. Not bad emotions at a wedding, at least based on my experience of marriage.
Peace and Love to you both.
Excellent point, Ralph. I will think about that. Peace and love to you and Janie, too.
As a member of the Order of St. Luke, sacraments and liturgy are of great importance to me. However, if we lose the joy in the celebration (!) of them, we lose the point. I make it clear to a couple that their ceremony will not be without mistakes, but it will not detract from the joy of the occasion. When I see pictures of myself (before masks!) celebrating Eucharist, baptism, weddings – the smile on my face tells of the joy in my heart. I like to think we bring God’s joy, evident in the wedding at Cana. A joy that surpasses happiness. A joy that will help the couple endure the times when their lives are anything but happy. Yes, bring the wine! And I do have to say, I’ve seen that joy on your face as well, when we pastored together. I want to say, don’t be so hard on yourself, or the job that you did. It is an odd and wondrous calling. And yes, sometimes just an f-ing job. Thanks for helping me see all those sides of it, and still be glad I am doing it today.
Thanks for this Dianne. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to see it.