I sometimes think that we waste our lives looking for answers, when we should be looking for good questions.
A few days ago, I was part of an online presentation to some people who were considering a cochlear implant. One of them said he was afraid to undergo the surgery. “What if it fails?” he asked.
A surgeon who does cochlear implants responded, “It never fails.”
That’s what my surgeon told me when I expressed the same fear.
The surgeon went on. “Some people think that they will immediately go from hearing at thirty percent to hearing one hundred percent. Even if they eventually get up to ninety percent, they think it was a failure. People who were hearing at thirty percent and hoped the implant would raise it to fifty percent — and wound up hearing at seventy percent, think their surgeries were wildly successful. It all comes down to what you expect”
That’s the question I’ve been looking for.
I have been looking back at my life. Was it a good life? Or was it a failure? Was I blessed? Or cursed? Did my life have any meaning or purpose? Did I make any difference in this world?
Before I answer any of those questions, I need to ask another.
“What did I expect?”
I realize that most of my expectations were set by a 27-year-old who thought pretty highly of himself.
- He got good grades (if he cared about the subject).
- He married the love of his life (out of his league, frankly).
- He got a lot of affirmation in his early years as a preacher and pastor.
- He had two sons who were scarily smart and blessedly healthy.
Why wouldn’t he expect to live a life he could be proud of? Do great things? Be loved and admired?
Didn’t happen. Certainly not on the scale he expected.
Part of my job in the last few years is to teach that young man some compassion.
Compassion basically means accepting people’s frailties, their weaknesses, not expecting them to behave like gods. That expectation is cruelty, because they will not be able to behave like gods and then they will fall in your estimation and will also fall in their own self-respect.
Osho
This question, “What did I expect?” leads to compassion.
Compassion is not cheap grace. I made some major choices that were cowardly or selfish. They led to real failures. I own that. One reason I made some of those choices is that the 27-year-old inside of me did not think I could fail.
Ask the owners of the Titanic how that works out.
“What did I expect?” leads to humble realism about myself and other people. I learn to accept my failures and I am kinder to others.
This question, “What did I expect?” also leads to gratitude. It pushes me to ask, “What did I have a right to expect?”
The answer, of course, is, “nothing.”
As someone who has buried lots of people who are younger than I am now, including parents of teenagers, teenagers, children, and even newborns, I know that none of us has a “right” to life. Even being born exceeds what we can expect.
Starting with no expectations at all, I see that . . .
- Spending my days with the wisest, most open-hearted (and attractive) woman I know
- Being able to breathe and walk on my own
- Having four of the people I love the most call me “Grandpa”
- Feeling the sun on my face
All of these are blessings beyond compare.
What do you think of your own life?
It’s a good question. A necessary question.
But first, ask yourself:
What did you expect?