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I found this journal entry that I wrote on April 19, 2016, ten months after I retired. I’ve edited it for readability, but I offer it hoping it may help someone else. It is, after all, part of living the Second Half.
Grief at Loss of Profession
I realized this morning that I am feeling grief. I suspect that I am like a spouse who has nursed their beloved through a long last illness. At first, I felt only relief. but as time goes on, I have more and more good memories and just as the widow or widower feels the loss of their “other half,” so I feel the loss of the job that meant so much to me.
Just writing this allows the feelings to flow.
The widower who has watched his beloved suffer says, “I would not wish her back”.
No, nor would I ever want to go back to the stress I felt trying to care for a church that was undergoing so much change, and they felt with me. But I loved my job. I loved being a pastor, preaching, caring about people, thinking about the big issues in life, starting things that would continue without me. I loved the Church.
This is a good discovery.
A year later, I can say that the grief is much less, although not gone entirely. Grief is, after all, a measure of how much someone or something has meant to us
This is well said Roger. I’ve often thought, when I ask retired people what do they miss about their job and hear ‘NOT A THING!’- I wonder how much did they really dislike their work and for how long? As I prepare for my own retirement in a few years I have found myself thinking ‘not gonna miss this’ or ‘not gonna miss that’. But I am also aware there is purpose, a mission, in work. It is also connection.
You made me think- do I have a sense of loss or grief about my leaving my profession (Rabbi)? I think I am reaching for new ways to do the parts I loved (communicate) and leave the parts I didn’t. I wonder though how much is just blocking – thanks for the question
I still am able to fulfill my vocation without all the stress of professional responsibilities. For that I am grateful.
Roger, I wonder if this is different for different professions. I loved being a Police Officer, I enjoyed the work, the time I spent in the schools helping kids. It was amazing, But I don’t miss it. I don’t want to go back. I miss some of the people but not the job.
I watch what’s happening in my choose profession and I’m glad I’m done. I’m happy being a retired cop. There is no grief over the end of my career. I now look forward to watching grandchildren grow and travelling the country.
Thank you, Roger! As I prepare to retire this June, I am feeling every bit of that grief, and find myself wondering “what next?” I cannot imagine my life without the activities that have occupied these last almost 26 years. Who will I become??
In classical yoga this is one of the toughest kleshas. To deal with… abhinivesha…. the desire that certain experiences should go on forever. Nothing easy about it. Life.
that is very interesting, David. It’s exactly the trap that is so easy to fall into.