Memory

layers of cake

Life’s Layer Cake

by

Even in the flat gray of the picture tube, she can make out the blue veins in her outer thighs, which somehow don’t seem possible, not yet. Not yet. She’s only forty-two, which, okay, when she was twelve seemed like one foot over the threshold into God’s waiting room, but now, living it, is an age that makes her feel no different than she always has. She’s twelve, she’s twenty-one, she’s thirty-three, she’s all the ages at the same time. But she isn’t aging. Not in her heart. Not in her mind’s eye.

Lehane, Dennis. Small Mercies (pp. 1-2). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition. 2023

As I come up on my 75th birthday, I can identify with Mary Pat, the main character in Dennis Lahane’s new novel, even though varicose veins are one of the few signs of aging that I don’t have. But, that other thing — the feeling that the person I was at all those different ages is still there someplace inside of me — I get that. And, I’ve been thinking about those moments a lot recently.

When you get to be my age, you realize that nothing is permanent. I have a vivid memory of standing at the foot of one of the world’s tallest buildings and thinking about the effort it took to build something that massive. I wondered what could possibly bring down something that big? It was the night before our son, Jim, and his wife, Rachel, would be married in the chapel of Hebrew Union College, a few blocks away. The building was the World Trade Center and almost everyone in my family was staying at the Marriott in the lower floors that night, August 11,2001.

Nothing lasts forever. It’s not just big buildings that come down, but giant corporations (Pontiac, A & P), venerable institutions (your church may be one of them), and social norms (a marijuana store just opened five blocks from where I’m sitting.)

Most of the time, the changes are so gradual that we hardly notice. But then, it hits us. On their 50th anniversary I looked through my parents’ wedding guest register. I had known most of the people who signed, and I realized, with a start, that the majority of them: my grandparents, their brothers and sisters, and close friends, were all gone — as were several members of Mom’s and Dad’s generation. That was twenty-six years ago. Now my parents’ generation is all gone, too.

It feels like my life and the lives of everyone I know and love are like leaves in the Niagara River. We float along together for awhile and pick up speed as we get closer to the falls. That truth can be terrifying.

But, there is another way to look at life. Instead of a river, the times of our lives can look like a layer cake, or like an archaeological site:

https://www.southalabama.edu/org/archaeology/news/stratigraphy.html

Like Mary Pat, I have caught my reflection and seen, not just my balding head, but myself as a 55-year-old senior pastor, a young husband and father, a teen-ager whose pants’ inseams were longer than my waist size, even the pre-schooler blowing dandelions on a summer’s day.

In some meaningful way, the person I was, and the people I knew, and even the things I did all seem to be preserved in those layers of time.

And maybe they are. I was recently introduced to the Buddha’s Five Remembrances:

  • I am subject to aging. There is no way to avoid aging.
  • I am subject to ill health. There is no way to avoid illness.
  • I am going to die. There is no way to avoid death.
  • Everyone and everything that I love will change, and I will be separated from them.
  • My only true possessions are my actions, and I cannot escape their consequences.


Yes, four of those remembrances are about change. I can’t hang on to my youth, my health, my life, or my loved ones, but my past experiences and actions are different. They continue to be a part of my life.

I miss our son, Matt, who died last summer. I can’t call him on the phone. He won’t be around to celebrate my 75th birthday. But, in the layers of my life, he is still the tiny infant we brought home from the hospital, the toddler learning to walk, the teenager whose comments made his younger brother laugh, the young man introducing us to the woman he married, the father with two delightful teens of his own.

These memories don’t tempt me to live in the past. They remind me that the past lives in me.

As I look back, my life looks like a layer cake. The more layers, the richer my life is. Every decade, year, day, hour, moment, is a layer. I am learning late that what I decide to do with this day and hour makes a permanent difference.

As one of the wisest survivors of the Holocaust said:

Any hour whose demands we do not fulfill, or fulfill halfheartedly, this hour is forfeited, forfeited “for all eternity.” Conversely, what we achieve by seizing the moment is, once and for all, rescued into reality, into a reality in which it is only apparently “canceled out” by becoming the past. In truth, it has actually been preserved, in the sense of being kept safe. Having been is in this sense perhaps even the safest form of being. The “being,” the reality that we have rescued into the past in this way, can no longer be harmed by transitoriness.

Victor Frankl, Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything

Your Club Grows More Exclusive Every Day

by

I first realized that I belonged to an exclusive club in the middle of a sermon one Sunday morning. I said, “We all remember where we were when we heard that President Kennedy had been shot.”

I saw the characteristic rightward movement of eyes that told me that people were accessing that vivid memory — in most people. But I also saw some people’s eyes glaze over — a terrifying sight for a preacher. These were people — adults!– who hadn’t been born yet, or were so young that they had no memory of that event.

At about that same time, I was helping some of the singles in our church create a fellowship. There was a debate about whether to have a 36-and-over group and a 35-and-under group, or if they could all meet together.

One of the planners shook her head and said, “You can’t play trivial pursuit with anyone under 35. ‘Who was Nikita Khrushchev?’ leaves them blank.”

If you remember where you were on November 22, 1963. If you know who Khrushchev was. If you ever wore a coonskin cap, played with a Chatty Cathy doll, know all the words to “Happy Trails to You” — We belong to the same club.

Everywhere we have gone, we have walked into new accommodations built just for us, from Kindergarten rooms to college campuses.

My former associate, a Millennial, said, “I’m already looking forward to the delapidated nursing home where I will end my journey through the dilapidated elementary school, high school, college dorm, and all the other things that were built for Boomers.”

That solicitous attention has made us a fractious club. As a generation, we senior Boomers have been incredibly selfish, self-righteous, and self-involved. The Clintons and Donald Trump are members of our club.

Interestingly, neither Biden nor Bernie are. They are the last vestiges of my parent’s generation — the “Silent Generation” — who skillfully managed the legacy of the “Greatest Generation.” Until last year, they never elected a president. And, do you notice how quiet things have been recently?

But, I digress.

I keep wondering why I work at keeping my high school classmates in my Facebook newsfeed. So many of them are scared to death of vaccines, Black Lives Matter, Antifa (which is really scary, since no one even knows what it is!) and, of course, that Democrat who is coming for your guns.

I do it because, in this Third Half of Life, I recognize that what connects me to these people is bigger and more important than all that separates us.

It’s not just that we all know where we were on Nov. 22, 1963. Or that we remember our first TV, hula hoop, or transistor radio. It’s that we have been through all this change together. We have gone from seeing little girls being escorted to school by U.S. Marshalls to Obama, from an NRA that was focused on gun safety to one focused on our right to weapons of mass destruction, from making life hell for gay classmates to congratulating them on their anniversaries.

Some have embraced these changes. Others have fought against the same ones. But we have all been through these changes together.

We have all watched our hair change color (or fall out), little kids become parents of little kids, who are on the verge of becoming parents themselves. We have moved from feeling immortal to not buying green bananas.

We don’t have a special hat, or a motto, or even a secret handshake, but we know who we are when we meet.

Frederick Buechner, b. 1926, was of my parents generation, but what he wrote a couple of decades ago about his own cohort, applies here:

As time goes by, you start picking them out in crowds. There aren’t as many of them around as there used to be. More likely than not, you don’t say anything, and neither do they, but something seems to pass between you anyhow. They have come from the same beginning. They have seen the same sights along the way. They are bound for the same end and will get there about the same time you do. There are some who by the looks of them you wouldn’t invite home for dinner on a bet, but they are your compagnons de voyage even so. You wish them well.

It is sad to think that it has taken you so many years to reach so obvious a conclusion.

from Whistling in the Dark

Everything I Needed to Know for the Pandemic I Learned in Kindergarten: Creativity

by

Reading time: 2 minutes

In Kindergarten  we spent a lot of time with crayons, paint, paper,  paste, and scissors. This was the time when I felt most out of my depth. Every picture I drew, everything I made out of pipe cleaners or popsicle sticks looked like  . . . a mess. 

The picture above, for example, is not a keepsake from those days. I drew it this morning. I have improved a lot.

So, one of the things that I learned in Kindergarten is that “Art” is not for me. Later, the school choir director would tell me that singing is not for me. My failures at “Art” and singing persuaded me that the manual dexterity, self discipline, and ear required to play a musical instrument were not in my wheelhouse either.

My school days reinforced the lesson about “Art” that I learned in Kindergarten. “Art” is for other people who are more talented, disciplined, and creative than I am.

I bet that I am not only person who learned that lesson.

Our culture also gives us the message that “Art” is for the  professionals to make. The rest of us can pay for the concert tickets, recordings, museum memberships, and streaming services that support the professionals.

But, at its most basic level, art is what Mrs. Crawford tried to teach me with modeling clay or popsicle sticks that I could glue together. What I made did not resemble anything in nature, but I was putting things together, I was giving shape to the shapeless, and color to blank sheets of paper.

I was also learning that whatever I create will probably look like a mess at first. I eventually learned how to create with words. I made my living with words. Everything I write is a mess at first. It has taken me weeks to write these 500 words.

I see people around me putting things together, bringing a new order out of the chaos of COVID-19.  They may make messes, but they keep at it until something new emerges.  Some do it Mrs. Crawford’s way, with paints, and crayons, and colored paper. Some make mouth-watering dinners and desserts. Some are trying to work from home, keep their kids on track, and maintain their sanity. Some are literally trying to make something out of nothing.

My friend and former neighbor, Stephen Calhoun, who began playing around with his digital camera and an iPad and discovered  a whole new form of art, posted a quote on Facebook a couple of years ago that sums up what I want to say:

Creativity belongs to the artist in each of us.

To create means to relate.

The root meaning of the word “art” is “to fit together”

and we all do this every day.

Not all of us are painters

but we are all artists.

Each time we fit things together

we are creating –

whether it is to make

a loaf of bread,

a child,

a day.

—Corita Kent

What I have Learned from My Father Since He Died

by
“When is Dad’s birthday?”
 
I’m embarrassed that I just sent a text to my brother and three sisters asking that question.
 
His birthday always fell near Father’s Day. We combined the celebrations. So, the exact date never stuck with me.
 
We celebrated Mom’s birthday in February and Mother’s Day in May. He never complained that we did not do for him what we did for Mom.
 
Why? I wondered.
 
Thinking about that question helped me learn  from my Father since he died.
 
I learned a lot from my father when he was alive, of course. I learned how to hit a nail with a hammer.  I learned to drive a tractor. I learned to work hard.
 
All of those were important. But the things I have learned from him since he died may be more important.
 
How can we learn from people after they die? What can they teach us?
 

  We learn about the art of living by reflecting on our parent’s lives.

 
You can look at your own image reflected in a mirror and ask, “who are you?”
 
 You can also see your parents’ lives reflected in the mirror of your memory and ask, “Who are you?” If you do that, you will learn more about the art of living.
 
Looking at ourselves in a mirror, we may lean in to shave or apply makeup. We may stand back to see if we are dressed properly.
 
What I learned from my father from the way he handled his birthday and Father’s Day comes from leaning in to look at that one detail. When I step back I see it as part of a pattern. It was one example of a man who accepted life as it was. He accepted the responsibility of supporting five children. He accepted the long hours of running a dairy farm. He accepted the fact that a June 18th birthday means it always lands close to Father’s Day.

I learned that being religious can be more important than being “spiritual.”

 
My Dad was religious in all the ways that people now say they are not. He went to church. He read his Bible. He wore his suit and tie to church and made sure his shoes were shined. When I was a kid, he was not tolerant of people who did not do those things.
 
Some would say that’s not very “spiritual.”
 
But he was also religious in the way Rabbi Abraham Heschel used the word. He wrote:
“A man becomes religious when he stops asking, ‘What do I want from Life?’
A man becomes religious when he starts asking, ‘What does Life want from me?'”

Seminary didn’t teach me about that kind of religion. My father taught me by milking the cows every day. I just never realized it until he had been dead for ten years.

 

I learned what to keep and what to throw away.

 
In some ways, our parents deal us the cards that we play in life’s poker game. The trick is to figure out which cards to keep and which to throw away.
 
I see now that my Dad taught me that I could throw some cards away.
 
My grandfather was a smart man and a good leader. He, too, was a dairy farmer. But, he took on leadership roles that meant days away from the farm. He did many good things for his larger community that my Dad was proud of. But my grandfather often left milking the cows to his wife and son.
 
My grandfather passed the leadership card to his son. Dad was active in his church. He served on the Town Board. But, one day the local Republican leaders walked back to where we were working in a field. They asked him to run for Supervisor. No one else would oppose him. The job was his if he wanted it.
 
He turned them down precisely because he did not want to be away from his family that much.
 
Years later, Jacquie said to me, “You are teaching your son to drive like your father taught you.”
 
“Ouch!”
 
I wish I were more like my father in some ways, but both Matt and I were happier when I decided to teach him to drive my way.
I only realize now that my Dad taught me to throw away some of the cards he dealt me.  

We can learn some things only after someone has died.

 
Neighbors paid my Dad to build kitchen cabinets and weld their broken farm implements. When I was growing up, he spent his winters remodeling our old farmhouse. I watched and later helped him with carpentry and electrical wiring.
 
You would think I would have grown up with a lot of skills.
 
When I caught on quickly, my Dad was a great teacher  My head was fast. He taught me how to use Ohm’s law long before I took Algebra.
 
But, my hands were slow. You won’t believe how long it took me to learn to hit a nail with a hammer. That tried his patience. My head and body had no connection.
 
He said, “You can remember anything you read in a book, but you can’t remember to turn a screw left to loosen it.”
 
As an adult, I felt anxious when faced with simple household repairs. I felt my father looking over my shoulder, exasperated by how long it was taking me.
 
But, after he died, I’ve been able to look at how things go together.  I can figure out how to install a ceiling fan or repair a lawnmower. I am able to relax when I ask, “How would my Dad do this?”
 

We learn things that cannot be put into words.

 
I can’t tell you everything I learn when I reflect on his life.
 
I see him in my memory’s mirror . . .
 
. . . getting up before dawn and going to the barn when I know he has the flu.
 
. . . putting my young mother and  two little kids on the back of a tractor and taking us for a ride through the woods just for fun.
 
. . . spending Saturday morning fixing the neighbors’ freezer so they don’t lose everything in it.  A loss they can’t afford. Then waving off their offer to pay.
 
I am at a loss for words when I reflect on the most important things I have learned from my father since he died.
 
The most important things we learn from our parents cannot be put into words.  Although the poet, Robert Hayden, may come close when he says his father taught him about  “love’s austere and lonely offices.”
 

I learned to honor my father and my mother.

 
There are only two of the Ten Commandments that say “Thou shalt” rather than “Thou shalt not.”
 
One is “Keep the Sabbath.”
 
The other is “Honor your mother and your father.”
 
“To honor,” does not mean “admire.”
 
It means much the same as what I mean when I say, “I’ve learned a lot from my father since he died.”
 
By reflecting on our parent’s lives, we see the cards they dealt us through their genes and their examples. We learn which cards we want to keep, and which to throw away.
 
We also see the mystery of our own existence.
That may be the primary thing I am learning from both my parents in this Third Half of Life.
 
When I was young, I needed the kinds of things that they could teach me when they were still alive. How to walk and talk. How to use a knife and fork. How to get up in the morning and when to go to bed at night.
 
Now that I am old and they are gone, I am learning wonder.
 
I remember walking with my Dad from the barn to the house on a cold winter’s night. He pointed at the stars spangled across the dark sky. Millions of them. He talked about how the light we see started hundreds, thousands of years ago. I remember the wonder in his voice.
 
This memory and so many others teaches me reverence for the Mystery behind the existence of the universe, and my own life.