The shortest description of marital conflict that I ever heard came from a man who said,
“First, you have to understand that my wife is Nordstrom’s and I am WalMart.”
It’s amazing how much we can tell about people by where they shop, the logo on their shirt, what kind of car they drive, even where they choose to live and what organizations they belong to.
For example, if I tell you that we own a Prius, that I love living in one of the most diverse neighborhoods in New York City (and the world), and that I belong to a church that has a huge ministry to homeless and LGBTQ+ people, you probably can guess how I vote.
My brands say:
- I care about the environment.
- I believe in diversity.
- I am a compassionate human being.
The problem is:
- My carbon footprint is still Sasquatch-sized.
- My closest friends look like me, talk like me, vote like me.
- I care a lot more about MY physical and financial security than I care about YOUR physical and financial security.
My brands are. . . . shall we say . . . “aspirational.”
My brands are a mask I wear on life’s stage to win the applause of the audience.
The Greek theater mask gives us the word “hypocrite.” You already know enough Greek to understand that “hypo” means “below” and “crit” is the root of “critic.” It comes from the Greek word “judge” or “discern”. Thus, hypocrites have not risen to the level required to make discerning judgments. They literally, “know not what they do.”
Jesus called out hypocrisy, because it was what got him killed.
My brands are my way to unconsciously pretend to be someone else, which is a very human thing to do.
The French philosopher, Rene Girard, called this tendency “mimesis.” It is the reason why, if you put two three-year-olds in a room full of toys, the only toy one of them wants to play with is in the other kid’s hands.
Marketers understand that very well.
When JoJo Siwa wears a new hair bow, thousands of “tween” girls want the same hair bow because they identify with JoJo. They, too, are positive, talented, and they stand up to bullies, just like JoJo.
I have zero interest in luxury watches, but I read a whole full-page ad that said that Daniel Craig wore a Rolex while playing James Bond. Since I, too, am ruggedly handsome, resourceful, witty — like Bond — I wondered if I should wear a Rolex.
Our brands give us our identity. They tell us — and others — who we are.
Perhaps this is necessary in the first half of life. We all start out identifying with Mom and Dad — our family is our “brand.” Then we individuate by identifying with peers: jocks, band kids, nerds, losers. Young adults may emulate mentors or personal heroes.
The Tantric religions like Buddhism and Hinduism call our brands “attachments.” The Abrahamic religions: Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, call them “idols.” Both traditions tell me that
I will never find God or my True Self (which is either God or the Image of God), without letting go of my brands.
If only it were as easy as giving my shirt with the polo pony logo to Goodwill.
The truth is that giving up the “brands” that matter most to me, feels like this:
Jesus’ words: “Whoever would follow me must take up the cross daily,” mean different things to different people in different circumstances. That is the beauty of them. To me, in this Third Half of Life, it means letting go of my “brands.” My understanding of my “self” has to die so that something new and more real can take its place.
Sounds nice, but it feels like being crucified — slowly and painfully. We can do this intentionally through practices like mindfulness or letting go of our things, or we can just wait for life to nail us.
Anyone who practices mindfulness encounters stuff that contradicts the image that we like to present to the world — our personal “brand.” And that hurts. I know I am really meditating when, like Scrooge on Christmas Eve, I run into things that I don’t want to see:
- The wrong turns I took in the past.
- The needs of the world that I ignore.
- The fact that I will die and all that I have will not matter at all.
It’s not fun. It feels like dying. I only do it because I keep finding something truer and less superficial underneath my “brand.”
Of course, you don’t have to meditate. Life itself will rip the brands off you, sooner or later.
When loved ones die, it can feel like a part of you has died. You lose one of your most important “brands”: “son” or “daughter,” “brother” or “sister,” “husband” or “wife.” Getting used to thinking of ourselves without those “brands” is not the only component of grief, but it is an important one.
One way we do grief work is that we often dream about the deceased in the first few weeks and months. Then, when we wake up, we realize they are really gone. It is one way our souls come to terms with the loss of that person and our “brand” in relation to that person.
When I retired four years ago, I dreamed every Saturday night that I had to preach the next morning. Unlike my dreams of lost loved ones, these were seldom pleasant dreams. They were filled with anxiety. When I awoke, the anxiety continued. Who am I now?
I am happy to say that those dreams are much less frequent and I am beginning to like No-Longer-Reverend Roger.
It takes a long time for an identity to die. Just as it takes a long time for someone to die on a cross.
This pandemic has stripped brands from a lot of people. The “stylish” were reduced to sweat pants and undershirts. “Gourmands” had to eat their home cooking or take-out. That is nothing compared to what was taken from people who lost their homes and incomes, their life-line visits from friends and relatives, and places where they gathered with their community: their bar, their bowling alley, or their house of worship.
Most of all, there were those who lost their health or their loved ones. I’ve written before about how COVID-19 took my “brand” as a strong, vital man (see Daniel Craig, above). Yet, I am also discovering a person underneath who is:
- more open to the flow of life.
- more accepting of change.
- perhaps even a tad more ready for the loss of my most fundamental “brand,” my body.
I wonder what you lost? How hard was it? What did you find underneath your “brand?”